Five Reasons You Should Stop Driving A Car
(And Travel Exclusively on Rental E-scooters)
1. It’s much safer to ride a scooter to the bar.
You’re going to spend hours in there hanging with the guys, watching the game and having “just one more” until you’re in no shape to drive. And apparently too soused to realize your friends left you with the tab.
You probably shouldn’t ride a scooter in that condition, either, but by then someone else will have rented it so you’ll end up in an Uber, which is exactly where your drunk ass belongs, instead of driving yourself home and getting lost even though you really only have to make one turn to get there.
2. It’s a lot cheaper to scoot than drive.
Have you seen gas prices lately? Politicians are always promising to bring them back down, but since most of them are heavily invested in the oil industry it’s pretty unlikely.
It costs around eighty bucks to fill your tank if you’re still driving your mom’s old 4Runner. With those flowered seat covers she won’t let you replace, even though you found some SICK Metallica covers on eBay. And you totally would have won that auction if you weren’t out picking up a bottle of rosé for her stupid book club.
A trip across town on a scooter will only run you about $6.50.
3. You’ll save a lot of time NOT washing the car.
I mean, it’s not like it’s your fault that your friends are always spilling their Slurpees and getting the seats sticky and then somehow getting gum stuck on the fender like every single week.
But your mom is some kind of neat freak and makes you spend practically the whole weekend vacuuming and shampooing and hosing down the car and picking stray French fries out of the seats.
Instead, you could spend that time bringing back hacky sack. Which is obviously the most rad game ever invented but Gen X seems to think they own it and other Millenials are too stupid to see how great it is and Gen Z is just annoying and who wants to hang out with them anyway?
Anyway, you can ditch the scooter wherever you want and some other loser will have to take care of it.
4. Your neighbor Jim will quit asking you for rides.
So you’ll finally be able to go play frisbee golf without him. Which means you might finally get to talk to that cute girl who clearly likes you but never gets a chance to even LOOK at you because Jim is always “my great job this” and “my fabulous house that” and droning on and on with his stupid opinions on books and wine and other dumb stuff nobody cares about.
Scooters have no room for lame passengers.
5. A scooter is so much cooler than a car.
Especially a car with a banged-in rear end that was definitely NOT your fault. You may have grazed the very edge of that building but it was because you were trying to avoid that stupid kid on his stupid bike and anyway, you were doing everyone a FAVOR by picking up your dumb sister from her crappy job.
And just because she makes more money than you doesn’t mean she’s any more mature than you but now everyone’s mad and Mom gave her the extra key and won’t let you drive her ugly car anymore but who cares? Scooters are way cooler.
